Midnight Dagger

   In the grand fortress of Wind's Door, above the second flight of stairs, is a great room of Stone. Stone benches surround the room. Atop these benches, mossy blankets are placed, and the Five Authors of the Midnight Dagger, as well as Admiral Zebra, take their seats. Lion:  Hello, everyone. We have with us over here Zebra, second chief junior petty admiral officer superior of the Royal petty chief Coastguard of Port City. He is the first and third person to hold that title, after his cousin, who was the second person to hold such a title. He also has a degree of propaganda from Porvalavis. As well as this, he was personally tutored by Sargus the Perplexed Himself, receiving the Award of Stupidity and Idiocy.  Let us introduce ourselves. I am Lionel Leonard Lionheart the Third, the First Lord of the Admiralty. I hold the world record for PhDs, topping fifty-five last month. I have a degree in political science from the University of Port City (before its downfall) ...

   Breaking: Zebra consents to an interview with the Midnight Dagger. By the editorial board of the Midnight Dagger After a recent spar that occurred between the Midnight Dagger and the Portvalatvian Times, which was spearheaded by The Mantle and Zebra, we got tired and decided to take a break. As we were munching on venison and pies, the Mantle suddenly thought of a brilliant joke. We would send Zebra a request for an interview. We drafted it as follows: Hello, Zebra. This is The Crown, The Mantle, The Hat, The Umbrella, and The Briefcase. We are the editorial board of the Midnight Dagger. We have decided to invite you to an interview. If you do not accept, the Skies will turn purple, the Grass will taste like Mustard, the Trees will turn yellow, and we will all call you stupid again. We intended this purely as a joke, and we drafted our apologies beforehand. But then, contrary to all expectations,  Zebra accepted.  This surprising development took us all by shock. ...

Bear Wins. By The Hat He's done it. Bear, after one of the most entertaining, annoying, delightful, joyful, and horrific campaigns in history, has swept the landscape. The savanna voters, who, as we know, have a great love for tradition, have overwhelmingly voted for Bear. The Ant Empire literally overran the polls with Bear Ballots, so that they ran out of room for them all. The Beetle Coalition, in conjugation with the Monastery of Butterflies and the Commonwealth of Bees, have all swarmed the polls, from all sides. The Waterfall's Throne, which previously almost always voted for Mr. Nekro, now voted for Bear 90% to 9%, with 1% going to Oscar. The Mountains, with its Dragons and many other creatures, have voted exclusively for Bear. Even the reptiles, including the snakes, have voted for Bear. Most entertaining of all, Port City, due to Mr. Nekro's "hypocrisy," voted 40% for Bear, 20% for Zebra (wonder of wonders!) and 15% for Mr. Nekro, as well as 5% for Oscar....

  Mr. Nekro is Bad By Tiger  Mr. Nekro is bad,  and it is kind of sad Mr. Nekro has bad policy,  and it is quite an atrocity. I don't mean to be rude,  but I'm not in a good mood. Mr. Nekro is annoying,  and if you find this poem boring, Just bear with me,  And you will see,  Mr. Nekro is bad, And it is quite sad.

Bear is Bad By Tiger  Bear is bad,  and it is kind of sad Bear has bad policy,  and it is quite an atrocity. I don't mean to be rude,  but I'm not in a good mood. Bear is annoying,  and if you find this poem boring, Just bear with me,  And you will see,  Bear is bad, And it is quite sad. Edit: we accidently published Mr. Nekro's version, which criticized Bear instead. Sorry about that. 

 The City Faceoff By the Hat In every election, there comes a moment when every moderate becomes a hardcore partisan, where the objection party loses–and gains–millions of followers, and when every hope of the inexperienced parties is shattered. It is the City Faceoff. A coin is flipped, each candidate receives governorship of a city for a month, and the election is decided afterwards. The numbers are carefully calculated, and everyone in those cities are required to take a poll every three days, or risk higher taxes. These polls also document satisfaction with the government, net worth, employment status, and much more. Whoever ruins their credentials, and their city, has practically no chance of winning the election. This has happened before, many times. The most extreme example is when Eriliniland was invaded due to one Objectionist. What happens is simple. Each candidate is appointed a city, and we decide who ran it the best. As such, this gives voters an opportunity to learn m...

Underground warfare Analyzing the situation Before you go into the different types of underground warfare, you must first analyze your military situation. Here are some criteria for determining your situation: the soil, the time, the armies, resources, and weather. First, the soil. Soil can be classified as one of these: sand, sandy loam, loam, clay loam, sandy clay, clay, silty clay, silty clay loam, silt loam, and just silt. Here are some ways to evaluate which is best: 1.       From easiest to hardest to excavate, in order, sand, sandy loam, silt, silt loam, loam, sandy clay, silty clay loam, silty clay, clay loam, and clay. 2.       From the type that keeps its shape the best to the one that shifts the most, it is this order: clay, clay loam, silty clay, silty clay loam, loam, sandy clay, silt loam, sandy loam, silt, and sand. 3.       From the one that changes most because of water to the one tha...

 Porcupine Reveals New Military Strategy and History By the Crown Porcupine has officially revealed his new military strategy. This includes harnessing all military capabilities of talking animals, such as underground burrowing abilities, flying, and stampeding in herds. Porcupine explained his process of accepting animals into the military. He starts by asking, "what can such and such an animal do? What are they very good at?" He then goes on to ask, "do we have a role for such and such an animal already?" If the answer is no, then he considers making a new position, going through a similar process. Currently, Porcupine has a vast array of different positions, being the most positioned person in parliament. As the commander in chief of the Unnatural Military, he controls the insect force, the underground force, the undersea force, the intelligence agency (he holds joint jurisdiction with serrate over intelligence) the rodent's military, the joint species milita...

 Hunter should be impeached because hunter is far too quiet. It is a leader's duty to inspire, to encourage, and to rally his countrymen to do great things. Unfortunately, Hunter's excessive quietness means that he lacks the charisma to fulfill the duties of a leader, especially one as important as he is. 

 Zebra Is Impeached On Charges Of Low Intelligence. Charges Are Proven True.  By the Hat. According to anonymous sources within parliament, many of which voted against zebra, zebra has officially been proven to be of incredibly low intelligence. This dismally low intelligence has inspired a bipartisan movement to remove him and replace him with a better candidate. Hunter, the Third Lord of the Admiralty, has stated that, “There can be no doubts about Zebra’s stupidity. It has been scientifically, linguistically, mathematically, and logically proven that he is of dismal intelligence. As such, it is our duty to remove him. We thank all our supporters from both parties who helped us accomplish this long-term goal: to remove this member of parliament.” Experts predict that Zebra will be reappointed back to parliament in a week or so. Both parties have prepared their bills, as they much pass as many bills as possible in that week. We are looking for further updates. Stay tuned.

 Bear has officially declared a state of emergency due to imminent Haha land threats. This state of emergency is the thirteenth in a row, after Haha land bombarded Rivershield... for the thirteenth time. Experts predict that these numbers are the numbers of doom, and that we should be moderately worried. Little Kangaroo, an unconcerned and unworried citizen who lives in Animalary somewhere, gave us his insights on the upcoming pronouncement: "Who?" We will be looking for further updates. Stay tuned.