Midnight Dagger

 Why We, the Portvalativan Times, out of the Graciousness of our Hearts, condemn Poisoning, in the Generic Sense. Opinion Piece We, the Portvalativan times, have a solemn proclamation: Bear has been poisoned. There is no going around it. He's been poisoned, and it's no use denying it, even if we really, really wanted to, which I assure you we do not. Bear's poisonings are just one in a series of horrific events relating to digestion, which include an Elephant eating a coconut last fall, and a Snake choking on a fully armored Mouse, who promptly had to be regurgitated. Bear's situation seems to be mildly more serious, from his perspective. Since we, the Portvalativan times, are writing out of the goodness and graciousness of our hearts (we are not bragging: we are far too meek and humble to do anything of that sort) we sorry to hear about Bear's poisoning. Just to clarify, we are not sad that Bear has been Poisoned, but rather that someone poisoned him, which is gene...

Bear has been Poisoned By the Umbrella Animalary, 1095: Bear, the President of Tobyland, has been poisoned while drinking his Favorite Fruit Smoothie. The exact circumstances have been related by two witnesses, sitting side by side on two chairs. One is Bear's Cook, Monkey, who is practically leaping in terror and horror, and the other is Bear's chimney-sweep, Bill, who, needless to say, is a Lizard. Bear was drinking his famous drink, created only at his restaurant, which contains no less than twenty ingredients. Witnesses from Animalary have told the Midnight Dagger that the twenty ingredients are as follows:  1. Milk  2. Honey  3. Syrup  4. Honey  5. Peaches  6. Honey  7. Apples  8. Honey  9. Bananas  10. Honey  11. All manner of berries  12. Honey  13. Mangoes  14. Honey  15. Milk  16. Honey  17. Grapes  18. Honey  19. Plums  20. Honey. It appears, though, that a twenty-first ingredie...

Dear Richard Dawkins Good Morning My dear friend Richard, I must applaud you on your most Sane, Rational, and Sensible Book, the God Delusion. It is the very height of literary mastermind, unrivaled in all of human history, for over a Million Years, since Man evolved from an Ape. It is probably the Next Step in Evolution, and the move towards the Superman of which Niche spoke. This book has toppled civilizations, raised Kings and kingdoms, destroyed, saved, healed, and much more, all in a perfectly real and rational way. I appreciate your perfectly calm and rational discussion, sensitively and carefully exploiting the weaknesses of the absurd theory of God, without even the slightest hint of name-calling involved (Not that it matters, of course. Name-calling has strict evolutionary origins, and should not be repressed). But sir, most recently, I have been struggling with a most serious issue: are you being only slightly Naive? You posit that no intelligence backs the universe, and that...

 Church, State, and Market A library examination In all of human history, there have been certain power organizations that have helped restrain or control society. Three very important ones are the State, the Church, and the Private sector. Interestingly, the separation of these three things only occurred a long time later. The concept of a transcendent God meant that Spiritual authority could not be vested in a ruler, except if it came directly from God. The separation of the private sector came later. The progression is fascinating. Let us examine it: 1.       Combined sectors. Originally, each king was a “god-king,” and they controlled their city’s economies, spiritual life, and pretty much everything else. They were the sons of the gods, and all things belonged to them. 2.       God’s system for Israel instituted private property. It also made the Priests and the Kings separate, and often restraining to each other. 3....

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 Hello, everyone. We tallied up the points for the two elections, and here are our winners: First place Mandelbrot: Woodland Majesty Afterwards, the rest of the pictures ranked: A Thousand Golden Lights Carpet An Unexpected Treat Golden Tapestry Nautilus Mini Mandelbrot Elephants Crystal Palace Fractal Repetitions Best Ai image: Waterfall's Throne   Here are the rest ranked: Fight with a Hyena  Phoenix series Serpent-mage series Cherrywood Hickory Cool Forest Torrents of Darkness Lenderthrond Porcupine Artifacts

 Hello everyone! We are having our annual "best picture of the year." This year, we are including two categories: Mandelbrot Set and Ai images. NOTE: Please click on each image to view it fullscreen Here are our top Mandelbrot Images : First, a Thousand Golden Lights Second, Golden Tapestry Third, Woodland Majesty. Fourth, Elephants Fifth, Crystal Palace Sixth, Carpet Seventh, Mini Mandelbrot Eight, Nautilus Ninth, An unexpected treat Tenth, Fractal Repetitions These are the best Mandelbrot Images we have so far. Next up, the AI images. First, the Fight with a Hyena  Second, the Cool Forest   Third, the Waterfall's Throne This was a series of Waterfall's Throne images, and are ranked together. Fourth, the Serpent-mage series Fifth, the Torrents of Darkness Sixth, the Lenderthrond series Seventh, the Phoenix Series Eight, and Finally, Cherrywood Hickory Here is your assignment: Rank the Mandelbrot Images numerically (for example, 2, 3, 1, and 5) and then rank the Ai im...

 A mostly happy new year to you!

 Tobyland Dinosaurs invades Pirate Island. By the Briefcase Recently, we have received a declaration that Tobyland Dinosaurs had invaded Pirate's Island. Now, just to clarify, the declaration didn't say that Tobyland Dinosaurs was invading  Pirate's Island. It didn't say that it started invading  Pirate's Island. The truth is that it had already started last Monday. Now, you may be wondering, "Why haven't I heard anything about this?" Well, to answer that question, it was because all of the news was preoccupied with the Porvalavian Invasion. You see, it turns out from reports that Bear intentional made a big fuss out of this whole Porvalavian Invasion sort of thing as a sort of distraction from the actions of Tobyland Dinosaurs. It also turned out that Eriliniland easily had the military capabilities to push out Porvalavis. Why didn't anybody realize that before, I have no idea. But the moment it was suitable politically, Bear called out his armies...

It is said among inhabitants of Northern Archin Canyon that there are only two sorts of Northern Archins. There are the Northern Archins of the White Banner and the Northern Archins of the Blue Banner, abbreviated henceforth as White and Blue archins. White archins, they say, are the sort that love to live in big fancy white castles with weapons, and who charge into battle in shining armor on a sunny day. Blue Archins, in contrast, are the sort that love to live in big fancy blue castles with weapons, and who charge into battle in shining armor on a rainy day. Other than these things, the main difference between these two sorts is the fact that White archins have a preoccupation with flying things, like griffins, dragons, eagles, and birds, while Blue Archins have a preoccupation with swimming things, like dolphins, whales, and fish. Of course, we know that it isn’t true that these are the only Northern Archins. Such generalizations ignore the existence of grey archins. Such Archi...

Monkey's Controversial and Nuanced Imprisonment Opinion piece Recently, Monkey, the Curiousiter, and a prominent political commentator, spokesman, and troll, has been captured by the Porvalavians. This highly complex, nuanced, controversial, and complicated situation needs a multifaceted approach to solve. But before we go into the specifics of the solution, we must first examine the situation, so as to make well-informed decisions. Let us be reminded of the facts. They are as follows:  1. On the morning of the 17th of this month, Monkey was seen in the living room of Bear's house drinking from a white ceramic mug. Witnesses claim that he was sipping hot maralanga mastochonii tea with honey-rose, and that the couch he was sitting on looked unusually uncomfortable, though this is yet to be verified by reliable sources. There was some disagreement among witnesses about whether he was wearing a black hat, a brown hat, or no hat at all. This is an ongoing controversy, and is still ...

Monkey, the Curiousiter, has been Captured. This interesting development has occurred due to a previous piece of news, which stated that Bear's house was surrounded and Monkey was trapped inside. Very little information is known at this point. Screams and shouts have been heard from the backyard of Bear's house. Reporters say that the vast majority of the screams have a Porvalavian accent. Some screams, though, are predicted to come from Monkey. One such example is when the shout "I will never give in! WE WILL CONQUER!" came on, in an Eriliniland accent. The Porvalavians are reportedly having quite a hard time keeping control. Many major news media sources have published statements on this, saying that they "neither condemn nor endorse this divisive controversy." Zebra, though, has applauded this situation as a grand move for democracy. This is a breaking news article. We will post further updates later.

The Siege of Bear By the Hat Porvalavis, a tiny Island in the ocean somewhere, recently declared war on Eriliniland, with the goals of taking over the entire continent. After their armies advanced, they met relatively little resistance. The massive armies of Porvalavis marched on, heeding not the laughter by which everyone laughed in a laughable way. Recently, though, reporters have reported that Porvalavian military units have surrounded Bear's Mansion. According to reports, Porvalavians have "Muddied the front mat, painted the fence, smashed the windows, and attempted to break down the door." Bear has responded by barring the windows, barricading the door, and pouring several pounds of extremely sticky honey on his assailants. According to insiders inside the locked-up home, Bear is using the bees and ants that work for his beehive to cause havoc against the invaders. Several of Bear's servants are reportedly committing "war crimes," such as tossing pots a...

 BREAKING: Porvalavis declares war on Eriliniland By the Briefcase Porvalavis, an island in the Ocean out there somewhere, has officially invaded Eriliniland. They have mobilized their massive forces (about fifty, I believe) and even their reserves, numbering a hundred. Already, they have sailed into Northern Eriliniland, with their pots and spatulas and broomsticks. Porvalavian intelligences are on the spot, figuring out exactly who and why to attack. The Porvalavian Navy also moved into position, "blockading" the entire Northern Military port with Surfboards, Canoes, and Sailboats. This is estimated to have a very extraordinarily moderate impact, since three boats have rammed through the blockade already. Porvalavis has published their military goals: 1. To conquer the entire Eriliniland 2. To control Northern Eriliniland. 3. To control Southern Eriliniland. 4. To capture all Eriliniland cities. 5. To cement their position as a stronger world power than they actually are. P...

 Let us begin a brief overview of the east. It is mainly plain grassland, with little antelopes leaping around, and the occasional wolf or flightless dragon chasing after them, but in the middle of this affair, a little city grew somewhere in the middle. Apparently, this little city was founded by a few Archin settlers who wanted a new place to live. This little, unimportant city happened to have a couple of owls, and some authors. When the great Haha land calamity happened, all the Owls travelled North to Archin Canyon and Wind's Door. Many landed in Eastern Archin Canyon. Since they mostly flew together, they all landed within close vicinity of each other, and just happened to be close to the settlement. They settled in the settlement, bringing their books and parchments. The Owls had brought more than half of Haha land's books, and as a result, as owls continued to come, the little village had to be expanded into a little city, mostly of owls. It kept many books in basements...

 George Whitefield By Owly Good morning, everyone. Yesterday, I read an essay in the library, written by Daleron's most famous sage, when he was still in his youth. Here it is: "George Whitefield was born on December 16, 1714, in the town of Gloucester, to hard working innkeeper parents who kept the Bell inn. Whitefield once stated that he was “addicted to lying, filthy talking, and foolish jesting.” Whitfield was good at acting and giving speeches, a talent that would be useful later. George had very low moral standards, to the point that he often stole money from his mother. When he was fifteen years old, he stopped school and helped with the inn. Whitfield’s mother wanted him to attend oxford university, but they could not afford to go, until they learned that he could go as a servant. Whitfield accepted, and while he was at oxford, he joined a club called the holy club which imposed the strictest possible discipline in an effort to earn salvation. While he was at oxford, J...

 Athanasius By Owlorey the Owl, LMD Into the room came the man, known to his opponents as the black dwarf. He was accused of murder and witchcraft, and of killing a man and cutting off his hand for magical purposes. The dwarf brought with him another man who was hooded and cloaked in black. The dwarf first ascertained that everyone present knew the victim that he supposedly murdered. He then uncovered the face of the hooded man. And everyone saw that he was indeed the man who was supposedly murdered by the black dwarf. Someone in the crowd said, “he didn’t kill him, he just cut his hand off.” The black dwarf uncovered the man’s right hand… It was there. The crowd shouted; “it is his other hand!” The black dwarf uncovered the man’s other hand. It was still there. The Dwarf asked. “What do you think he is, a monster with three hands?” Everyone laughed (González). Athanasius, the “black dwarf” to whom I just referred, was one of the greatest heroes of faith in the fourth century A....

   In the grand fortress of Wind's Door, above the second flight of stairs, is a great room of Stone. Stone benches surround the room. Atop these benches, mossy blankets are placed, and the Five Authors of the Midnight Dagger, as well as Admiral Zebra, take their seats. Lion:  Hello, everyone. We have with us over here Zebra, second chief junior petty admiral officer superior of the Royal petty chief Coastguard of Port City. He is the first and third person to hold that title, after his cousin, who was the second person to hold such a title. He also has a degree of propaganda from Porvalavis. As well as this, he was personally tutored by Sargus the Perplexed Himself, receiving the Award of Stupidity and Idiocy.  Let us introduce ourselves. I am Lionel Leonard Lionheart the Third, the First Lord of the Admiralty. I hold the world record for PhDs, topping fifty-five last month. I have a degree in political science from the University of Port City (before its downfall) ...