Midnight Dagger

 A mostly happy new year to you!

 Tobyland Dinosaurs invades Pirate Island. By the Briefcase Recently, we have received a declaration that Tobyland Dinosaurs had invaded Pirate's Island. Now, just to clarify, the declaration didn't say that Tobyland Dinosaurs was invading  Pirate's Island. It didn't say that it started invading  Pirate's Island. The truth is that it had already started last Monday. Now, you may be wondering, "Why haven't I heard anything about this?" Well, to answer that question, it was because all of the news was preoccupied with the Porvalavian Invasion. You see, it turns out from reports that Bear intentional made a big fuss out of this whole Porvalavian Invasion sort of thing as a sort of distraction from the actions of Tobyland Dinosaurs. It also turned out that Eriliniland easily had the military capabilities to push out Porvalavis. Why didn't anybody realize that before, I have no idea. But the moment it was suitable politically, Bear called out his armies...

It is said among inhabitants of Northern Archin Canyon that there are only two sorts of Northern Archins. There are the Northern Archins of the White Banner and the Northern Archins of the Blue Banner, abbreviated henceforth as White and Blue archins. White archins, they say, are the sort that love to live in big fancy white castles with weapons, and who charge into battle in shining armor on a sunny day. Blue Archins, in contrast, are the sort that love to live in big fancy blue castles with weapons, and who charge into battle in shining armor on a rainy day. Other than these things, the main difference between these two sorts is the fact that White archins have a preoccupation with flying things, like griffins, dragons, eagles, and birds, while Blue Archins have a preoccupation with swimming things, like dolphins, whales, and fish. Of course, we know that it isn’t true that these are the only Northern Archins. Such generalizations ignore the existence of grey archins. Such Archi...

Monkey's Controversial and Nuanced Imprisonment Opinion piece Recently, Monkey, the Curiousiter, and a prominent political commentator, spokesman, and troll, has been captured by the Porvalavians. This highly complex, nuanced, controversial, and complicated situation needs a multifaceted approach to solve. But before we go into the specifics of the solution, we must first examine the situation, so as to make well-informed decisions. Let us be reminded of the facts. They are as follows:  1. On the morning of the 17th of this month, Monkey was seen in the living room of Bear's house drinking from a white ceramic mug. Witnesses claim that he was sipping hot maralanga mastochonii tea with honey-rose, and that the couch he was sitting on looked unusually uncomfortable, though this is yet to be verified by reliable sources. There was some disagreement among witnesses about whether he was wearing a black hat, a brown hat, or no hat at all. This is an ongoing controversy, and is still ...

Monkey, the Curiousiter, has been Captured. This interesting development has occurred due to a previous piece of news, which stated that Bear's house was surrounded and Monkey was trapped inside. Very little information is known at this point. Screams and shouts have been heard from the backyard of Bear's house. Reporters say that the vast majority of the screams have a Porvalavian accent. Some screams, though, are predicted to come from Monkey. One such example is when the shout "I will never give in! WE WILL CONQUER!" came on, in an Eriliniland accent. The Porvalavians are reportedly having quite a hard time keeping control. Many major news media sources have published statements on this, saying that they "neither condemn nor endorse this divisive controversy." Zebra, though, has applauded this situation as a grand move for democracy. This is a breaking news article. We will post further updates later.

The Siege of Bear By the Hat Porvalavis, a tiny Island in the ocean somewhere, recently declared war on Eriliniland, with the goals of taking over the entire continent. After their armies advanced, they met relatively little resistance. The massive armies of Porvalavis marched on, heeding not the laughter by which everyone laughed in a laughable way. Recently, though, reporters have reported that Porvalavian military units have surrounded Bear's Mansion. According to reports, Porvalavians have "Muddied the front mat, painted the fence, smashed the windows, and attempted to break down the door." Bear has responded by barring the windows, barricading the door, and pouring several pounds of extremely sticky honey on his assailants. According to insiders inside the locked-up home, Bear is using the bees and ants that work for his beehive to cause havoc against the invaders. Several of Bear's servants are reportedly committing "war crimes," such as tossing pots a...

 BREAKING: Porvalavis declares war on Eriliniland By the Briefcase Porvalavis, an island in the Ocean out there somewhere, has officially invaded Eriliniland. They have mobilized their massive forces (about fifty, I believe) and even their reserves, numbering a hundred. Already, they have sailed into Northern Eriliniland, with their pots and spatulas and broomsticks. Porvalavian intelligences are on the spot, figuring out exactly who and why to attack. The Porvalavian Navy also moved into position, "blockading" the entire Northern Military port with Surfboards, Canoes, and Sailboats. This is estimated to have a very extraordinarily moderate impact, since three boats have rammed through the blockade already. Porvalavis has published their military goals: 1. To conquer the entire Eriliniland 2. To control Northern Eriliniland. 3. To control Southern Eriliniland. 4. To capture all Eriliniland cities. 5. To cement their position as a stronger world power than they actually are. P...