BREAKING: Bear has been poisoned!

Bear has been Poisoned

By the Umbrella

Animalary, 1095: Bear, the President of Tobyland, has been poisoned while drinking his Favorite Fruit Smoothie.

The exact circumstances have been related by two witnesses, sitting side by side on two chairs. One is Bear's Cook, Monkey, who is practically leaping in terror and horror, and the other is Bear's chimney-sweep, Bill, who, needless to say, is a Lizard.

Bear was drinking his famous drink, created only at his restaurant, which contains no less than twenty ingredients. Witnesses from Animalary have told the Midnight Dagger that the twenty ingredients are as follows: 

1. Milk 

2. Honey 

3. Syrup 

4. Honey 

5. Peaches 

6. Honey 

7. Apples 

8. Honey 

9. Bananas 

10. Honey 

11. All manner of berries 

12. Honey 

13. Mangoes 

14. Honey 

15. Milk 

16. Honey 

17. Grapes 

18. Honey 

19. Plums 

20. Honey.

It appears, though, that a twenty-first ingredient has been added. It is no other than slices from the Wyrmbloom Fruit, a rare Mockerian treat that grows only in the far Northern Borders of the Ashenwood. Famously, Wyrdbloom fruits grow in giant bunches (of thousands of fruit each) but only one of those fruits are edible. All others are extremely poisonous, to ridiculous degrees. Most kill in an instant, and at most a couple days. Scientists (mostly lizards in top hats, of course) have conclusively shown that if a poisonous fruit is eaten, it is impossible for any victim smaller than a Dragon to survive more than Five Days.

As such, since we know conclusively that Bear has eaten Wyrmbloom, there is only one (1) way for Bear to survive. The only way is for Bear to have eaten an edible Wyrmbloom. Scientifically, that chance is one in a hundred thousand. Otherwise, we fear we must say goodbye to Bear.

The reactions of the media have been diverse. The Portvalativan times has said the following statement: "We are very sorry to hear about Bear's poisoning," while saying later that "Just to clarify, we are not sad about Bear being poisoned, but rather that someone poisoned him, which is generically a very bad thing."  The Portvalativan times continues, saying: "We are very, very sad that someone had to take the time to poison bear, wasting perfectly good fruit on a perfectly useless cause" and that "Out of the ashes of this horrible tragedy, we are throwing our full support behind Mr. Nekro as a replacement." They conclude by saying that "Please keep in mind that we are a fully transparent organization, and that we were not paid a single penny from Mr Nekro to endorse him."

The Striped Times, Zebra's favorite newspaper, written, funded, and edited by a single person, whose name is anonymous, but who has stripes, and whose name starts with a Z and ends with an A, and who has  the letters "e, r, a, b" somewhere in between, in some order, has expressed deep sorrow that a Poisoning of a Political Figure has occurred, and is very glad that it didn't happen to someone other than Bear. It continues by making it clear that it is entirely Bear's Fault, and that Zebra is Infallibly the victim of this whole affair. They published an editorial, saying that 99% of their staff, with a margin of error of around 1%, fully agree that Poisoning is Bad, but that, if poisoning were to occur, Bear would be the most likely candidate.

The Midnight Dagger is grieving over Bear's poisoning, but the Mantle insists that there is still hope: there is a chance that Bear might have accidentally eaten an edible Wyrmbloom Fruit, which would instantly solve all our problems.

We shall post updates soon. Stay posted.