Why we, the Portvalativan Times, do not endorse Poisoning

 Why We, the Portvalativan Times, out of the Graciousness of our Hearts, condemn Poisoning, in the Generic Sense.

Opinion Piece

We, the Portvalativan times, have a solemn proclamation: Bear has been poisoned. There is no going around it. He's been poisoned, and it's no use denying it, even if we really, really wanted to, which I assure you we do not. Bear's poisonings are just one in a series of horrific events relating to digestion, which include an Elephant eating a coconut last fall, and a Snake choking on a fully armored Mouse, who promptly had to be regurgitated. Bear's situation seems to be mildly more serious, from his perspective.

Since we, the Portvalativan times, are writing out of the goodness and graciousness of our hearts (we are not bragging: we are far too meek and humble to do anything of that sort) we sorry to hear about Bear's poisoning. Just to clarify, we are not sad that Bear has been Poisoned, but rather that someone poisoned him, which is generically a very bad thing. We are very, very sad that someone had to take the time to poison bear, wasting perfectly good poisonous fruit on a perfectly useless cause.

The entire staff gathered together, to cry for around an hour, thus doing our duty and looking very sad. It is only proper and polite for us to generally cry, since Poisonings are never done in good taste, except in the rare exceptions when they are. So, to mourn this perfectly senseless act, done by someone who obviously does not know how to properly deal with troublesome leaders, is perfectly respectful on our side, and worthy of praise. We are generally feeling a sense of loss right now, which is only increased by the nature of the poison. Bear's loss will create a logistical gap, which needs to be filled, sooner or later.

But, out of the ashes of this tragedy, we have a glimmer of hope, and of good news: we have found the perfect successor to Bear. One who will honor Bear's legacy, but also not do so (you know what we mean). Mr Nekro.

Mr. Nekro is the perfect replacement. He has all the qualities needed for a good leader. We don't need to quantify this point, because it is self-evident.

Just to clarify, we did not receive a single penny from Mr Nekro's lobbyists in return for endorsement. We are fully transparent, and would never do such a thing, even if you asked very, very nicely.